The moment...

We all read about chasing our dreams and working hard to achieve them.and then there are school of thoughts which strongly advocate the belief(the positive thought)theory. They say about believing with strong conviction in things u want,and the forces of the universe will conspire to make them happen for u.

All these arguments sound good.

Inspiring,at times.

But how many of us are able to persist with such convictions in our daily lives to put these arguments to testimony. Few failures often drive us away from such theories and we tend to dismiss them as rhetorics. The logics ,rationality and the scientific training militates against such beliefs by branding them as figments of imagination.failures,even after strong desire and hard work makes us question the blind belief in such ideas of things working out in your favour with strong conviction.

Experiencing is believing.

I have passed through that phase in the past few years,when u see ur dream..ur childhood dream sailing away from u ,despite ur best efforts and wishes.

The conviction in self was fading and resignation coupled with the dangerous rationalisation of situation was setting in.someone who used to pride himself in being the “die hard” optimist was slowly losing it.

But destiny had different plans..

They talk of golden moments , pathbreaking events and memorable historical dates. Some come with pomp and fanfare while others sweep u off ur feet with their unannounced arrival.They become all the more crucial when thay fulfil ur dreams.When hope is fading at a quick pace,conviction is waning,depondency looms large, ur losing out on things u believed in and the chance to realise that desirable elusive dream is final. It had drained me mentally and emotionally and the conflict within had been brimming at pinnacle for long.and then u reach a stage,where ur efforts reach a saturation,and the only hope is a miracle,a blessing from Him..and u realize how feeble is human being...

11/05/2011 (around 3pm) will remain such date for me. I can safely call it “the happiest day of my life”so far. often such events mark such dramatic shift of conditions that they become milestones – pre-05/11 and post-05/11.

Its been one week today since the result came out. I still don’t know if its actually sunk in. I have been receiving numerous phone calls and messages,friends and relatives telling me how proud they r of my achievement and how happy they are for me. But i think i have only been going through the motions. Its not easy to absorb that something which was so dearly coveted and which always seemed to move away ,something which had driven me and mom to tears by its elusiveness, something which had been so near, yet so far, something which i could safely vouch has been “a childhood dream” has actually materialized beautifully one fine moment in your life. Its the moment which becomes the landmark and seem to absorb years of yearning, desperation, perseverance and prayers. It is such moments which define your life. I don’t know if it was natural. Whether the magnanimity of the event overpowers the emotions. I have graduated from sweet shock and numbness to an incredulous acceptance of what my senses have been directing. I think i must pen it down for years down the line, when i grow old and want to look back at one of the defining moments of my life.

The tension surrounding the UPSC result declaration had been building up for past one week. However,I had no expectations for it to arrive this humid Wednesday afternoon. Thursdays have been the anointed days as per norm. Gobbling up the lunch, I reached my room to gather the maximum of the precious moments of rest in the lunch break. I set up the precautionary alarm(lest i fall asleep) for 1540 without realizing that something excitingly alarming was coming my way before that.

At about 1450 when I was on verge of dozing off after going through one newspaper article,my cell phone rang. I just turned my head from the lying position and was surprised to see an old friend calling up (Raghvendra from customs).

My mind immediately flashed . The timing and the person. Could it be that result is out. Then why would he call me. Have i made it. Is it a cogrtulations call or just informing me that the result is out or an unlikely casual hello. Thoughts were flashing and i had missed the call in meantime. I thought if it was something positive,he’ll call again. He did. I missed it again. This time not due to buzzing of questions, but rather due to fear of bad news. Seconds later as i mumbled the prayers hoping for the best, a msg tone beeped. Surprisingly,i opened the msg quite instinctively this time around.

There it was.

I just could not believe what it said.

I knew that this person would not joke on such issue, being a serious and sensitive person. Yet, the content of the message failed to get into me at all. I began pacing up and down the room,hands folded in prayer. I part of the mind was urging to open the website to confirm the veracity of the msg. The other part resisted and as always overpowered the other with some rationalisation. I told myself that this cant happen,something is wrong somewhere. I told myself that if it was correct, i would soon hear shouts of friends in corridor and phone on room landline. Only that would confirm it. I kept pacing the room,hands folded.

The cell rang again. Another old friend remembering me all of a sudden.

Rather than any other emotion, a strange fright was gripping me. I was assured the result is out. But i could not convince myself that the msg was right. I missed this call too.

My pacings increased.Why was no one coming to room if the news is true ?

I peeped out into corridor.

Empty.

Moments later,the landline rang. I picked up courage out of nowhere and picked up the phone. I was bombarded with abuses by a colleague (deepak salunkhe), interspersing it with the news. Yes,he too said the same golden digit as my rank. Still not believing,what he was saying, I asked him stranger question like which result is out? is it in front of him? what does it say? what roll no .is displayed in front of the name? The moment he said the roll no. , i could almost recollect it to be mine. I asked him twice or thrice that he was not playing some tricks on me or joking about it. He denied. I told him i’ll check it out and hung up.

It was not registering yet.

I was afraid to open the laptop, which had gone off to sleep mode, and check out the result.

The phone rang again. It was another colleague. Same congratulatory thing. I almost repeated my questions and reconfirmed the roll no. Of the name which everyone believed was mine. I told him i’ll see it myself and hung up again.

But no one was coming to room yet.

I switched on the laptop.

The announcement at the mike commenced too. I rushed to hear it, switched off the fan to hear it clear and opened the door slightly as it began with the word congratulations and soon came my name (Rajeev pandey on mike).

The landline again. It was another colleague ( Deepak meghani) reconfirming the same accident. I asked him similar questions and that i cant believe its happened as announced. I hung up telling him that i’ll check it out on net.

Few clicks and the result sheet spread out in front of me. This time around it was organized and serially arranged,different from the normal jumbled way.

My name was right there in front of me.

It was tough to believe my own senses.

I fail to describe that feeling.

My mind had gone blank as if refusing to work in coordination with other senses. I was witnessing the best moment of my life but my senses were refusing to help me out.

I kept staring at the screen.

Another phone on landline. Same screaming congrats.

I told him that i am yet to see it on net. He hung up and rushed to my room (surendra jha). I was still staring at that screen. The colleague(deepoak meghani) called up again to reconfirm it. I asked him if he is sure that serial no. Is same as rank. By that time surendra had reached my room and hugged me hard. I held to him for a moment telling him that i don’t believe it had happened.

I looked at screen again.

He read it aloud from screen for me.

I sat on bed. Hands on my face. I was numb and blank.emotions were betraying me. I was not able to laugh, neither scream, nor cry.

It was a crazy moment.

I kept putting my hands on my face. Tears refused to come.

Flurry of phone calls on landline. Each exulting the same good news and thanx began to come out very mechanically from my side. Others rushed into the room. The third Deepak from same floor rushed in,then rajendra, phone from sadanand,then surendra called manish telling him the news,manish came and i hugged him for long. By the time ,surendra had begun scanning the list and announcing other names. I was still blank and was hardly listening to any other name.others from the floor rushed in. Rejendra,satyarth,amit,kanwar vishal, mm with laddoo and number of phones on landline.

Soon it was normal "fall-in" time for a session on feedback scheduled in DJC and the regular fall-in announcements began.Putting on my games dress,I reached the stairs and faced the first inrush of congratulations. It could have been any other regular fall-in and simple jog for the next session. rather, the impact of occasion was evident. I was flooded wit congratulations from each and every one who set eyes on me.

It was very overwhelming.

I was simply going through the motions of accepting the wishes with a big smile fixed on my face. I don't remember the faces or the order or what each of them saying specifically. just a swarm of multicolored crowd with each one turning to me to congratulate me. I remember a big jhappi from sagar in his own style outside the mess and then celebration with sourabh,who too had made the cut. I had planned several outrageous acts befitting the moment which I would do in case of such result, but the moment was too big for me to absorb and react.

What followed was a long session at DJC during which I was in my own world, lost in numerous thoughts and letting the stuff sink in, directors call in the evening to congratulate us, the freakish decision to execute another thing that I had planned for such occasion, seeing 50 odd missed calls & 20 odd msgs(many attempts by parents to contact me) on my cell when i returned to room in evening, receiving of calls, finally talking to parents (delayed due to dilemma of whether to tell on phone or do it personally somehow and in the end as manish had said they knew it from other sources.), other calls, a telephonic interview by some media person who had already reached my home, late night dance at manish's room...and waiting for the morning.