The training saga

Flying from the rocks,
Sailing through the breeze.
Rafting over waves,
Diving into streams.

Slept in dungaree amidst woods,
Admiring nature’s raw beauty.
Reality knocked assaulting my dreams,
It was time for sentry duty.

Through dragging “debriefings”,
We nursed our pains.
Cursing the schedule,
Alas! No gains!

They say it makes one fit and firm,
And thus, we endured grill of drill.
Perfected the art of a nap anytime,
Welcome Volini, adieu sleeping pill!

As it sped from trot to canter,
Our heartbeats raced like F1 cars.
With each passing riding class,
We said our prayers and thanked the stars.

Marched miles in pouring rain,
Dragging my body and switching off brain.
I cared for my rifle and my squad mate,
We cribbed, complained
Laughed and shared the fate.
That is my treasure, my true lifelong gain

Bring the forces of nature,
I have buried my fear.
The chisel has worked fine,
My mind is my spear.

The fountain was within me,
I dived and drank.
I dared the limits,
And the limits shrank.

The moment...

We all read about chasing our dreams and working hard to achieve them.and then there are school of thoughts which strongly advocate the belief(the positive thought)theory. They say about believing with strong conviction in things u want,and the forces of the universe will conspire to make them happen for u.

All these arguments sound good.

Inspiring,at times.

But how many of us are able to persist with such convictions in our daily lives to put these arguments to testimony. Few failures often drive us away from such theories and we tend to dismiss them as rhetorics. The logics ,rationality and the scientific training militates against such beliefs by branding them as figments of imagination.failures,even after strong desire and hard work makes us question the blind belief in such ideas of things working out in your favour with strong conviction.

Experiencing is believing.

I have passed through that phase in the past few years,when u see ur dream..ur childhood dream sailing away from u ,despite ur best efforts and wishes.

The conviction in self was fading and resignation coupled with the dangerous rationalisation of situation was setting in.someone who used to pride himself in being the “die hard” optimist was slowly losing it.

But destiny had different plans..

They talk of golden moments , pathbreaking events and memorable historical dates. Some come with pomp and fanfare while others sweep u off ur feet with their unannounced arrival.They become all the more crucial when thay fulfil ur dreams.When hope is fading at a quick pace,conviction is waning,depondency looms large, ur losing out on things u believed in and the chance to realise that desirable elusive dream is final. It had drained me mentally and emotionally and the conflict within had been brimming at pinnacle for long.and then u reach a stage,where ur efforts reach a saturation,and the only hope is a miracle,a blessing from Him..and u realize how feeble is human being...

11/05/2011 (around 3pm) will remain such date for me. I can safely call it “the happiest day of my life”so far. often such events mark such dramatic shift of conditions that they become milestones – pre-05/11 and post-05/11.

Its been one week today since the result came out. I still don’t know if its actually sunk in. I have been receiving numerous phone calls and messages,friends and relatives telling me how proud they r of my achievement and how happy they are for me. But i think i have only been going through the motions. Its not easy to absorb that something which was so dearly coveted and which always seemed to move away ,something which had driven me and mom to tears by its elusiveness, something which had been so near, yet so far, something which i could safely vouch has been “a childhood dream” has actually materialized beautifully one fine moment in your life. Its the moment which becomes the landmark and seem to absorb years of yearning, desperation, perseverance and prayers. It is such moments which define your life. I don’t know if it was natural. Whether the magnanimity of the event overpowers the emotions. I have graduated from sweet shock and numbness to an incredulous acceptance of what my senses have been directing. I think i must pen it down for years down the line, when i grow old and want to look back at one of the defining moments of my life.

The tension surrounding the UPSC result declaration had been building up for past one week. However,I had no expectations for it to arrive this humid Wednesday afternoon. Thursdays have been the anointed days as per norm. Gobbling up the lunch, I reached my room to gather the maximum of the precious moments of rest in the lunch break. I set up the precautionary alarm(lest i fall asleep) for 1540 without realizing that something excitingly alarming was coming my way before that.

At about 1450 when I was on verge of dozing off after going through one newspaper article,my cell phone rang. I just turned my head from the lying position and was surprised to see an old friend calling up (Raghvendra from customs).

My mind immediately flashed . The timing and the person. Could it be that result is out. Then why would he call me. Have i made it. Is it a cogrtulations call or just informing me that the result is out or an unlikely casual hello. Thoughts were flashing and i had missed the call in meantime. I thought if it was something positive,he’ll call again. He did. I missed it again. This time not due to buzzing of questions, but rather due to fear of bad news. Seconds later as i mumbled the prayers hoping for the best, a msg tone beeped. Surprisingly,i opened the msg quite instinctively this time around.

There it was.

I just could not believe what it said.

I knew that this person would not joke on such issue, being a serious and sensitive person. Yet, the content of the message failed to get into me at all. I began pacing up and down the room,hands folded in prayer. I part of the mind was urging to open the website to confirm the veracity of the msg. The other part resisted and as always overpowered the other with some rationalisation. I told myself that this cant happen,something is wrong somewhere. I told myself that if it was correct, i would soon hear shouts of friends in corridor and phone on room landline. Only that would confirm it. I kept pacing the room,hands folded.

The cell rang again. Another old friend remembering me all of a sudden.

Rather than any other emotion, a strange fright was gripping me. I was assured the result is out. But i could not convince myself that the msg was right. I missed this call too.

My pacings increased.Why was no one coming to room if the news is true ?

I peeped out into corridor.

Empty.

Moments later,the landline rang. I picked up courage out of nowhere and picked up the phone. I was bombarded with abuses by a colleague (deepak salunkhe), interspersing it with the news. Yes,he too said the same golden digit as my rank. Still not believing,what he was saying, I asked him stranger question like which result is out? is it in front of him? what does it say? what roll no .is displayed in front of the name? The moment he said the roll no. , i could almost recollect it to be mine. I asked him twice or thrice that he was not playing some tricks on me or joking about it. He denied. I told him i’ll check it out and hung up.

It was not registering yet.

I was afraid to open the laptop, which had gone off to sleep mode, and check out the result.

The phone rang again. It was another colleague. Same congratulatory thing. I almost repeated my questions and reconfirmed the roll no. Of the name which everyone believed was mine. I told him i’ll see it myself and hung up again.

But no one was coming to room yet.

I switched on the laptop.

The announcement at the mike commenced too. I rushed to hear it, switched off the fan to hear it clear and opened the door slightly as it began with the word congratulations and soon came my name (Rajeev pandey on mike).

The landline again. It was another colleague ( Deepak meghani) reconfirming the same accident. I asked him similar questions and that i cant believe its happened as announced. I hung up telling him that i’ll check it out on net.

Few clicks and the result sheet spread out in front of me. This time around it was organized and serially arranged,different from the normal jumbled way.

My name was right there in front of me.

It was tough to believe my own senses.

I fail to describe that feeling.

My mind had gone blank as if refusing to work in coordination with other senses. I was witnessing the best moment of my life but my senses were refusing to help me out.

I kept staring at the screen.

Another phone on landline. Same screaming congrats.

I told him that i am yet to see it on net. He hung up and rushed to my room (surendra jha). I was still staring at that screen. The colleague(deepoak meghani) called up again to reconfirm it. I asked him if he is sure that serial no. Is same as rank. By that time surendra had reached my room and hugged me hard. I held to him for a moment telling him that i don’t believe it had happened.

I looked at screen again.

He read it aloud from screen for me.

I sat on bed. Hands on my face. I was numb and blank.emotions were betraying me. I was not able to laugh, neither scream, nor cry.

It was a crazy moment.

I kept putting my hands on my face. Tears refused to come.

Flurry of phone calls on landline. Each exulting the same good news and thanx began to come out very mechanically from my side. Others rushed into the room. The third Deepak from same floor rushed in,then rajendra, phone from sadanand,then surendra called manish telling him the news,manish came and i hugged him for long. By the time ,surendra had begun scanning the list and announcing other names. I was still blank and was hardly listening to any other name.others from the floor rushed in. Rejendra,satyarth,amit,kanwar vishal, mm with laddoo and number of phones on landline.

Soon it was normal "fall-in" time for a session on feedback scheduled in DJC and the regular fall-in announcements began.Putting on my games dress,I reached the stairs and faced the first inrush of congratulations. It could have been any other regular fall-in and simple jog for the next session. rather, the impact of occasion was evident. I was flooded wit congratulations from each and every one who set eyes on me.

It was very overwhelming.

I was simply going through the motions of accepting the wishes with a big smile fixed on my face. I don't remember the faces or the order or what each of them saying specifically. just a swarm of multicolored crowd with each one turning to me to congratulate me. I remember a big jhappi from sagar in his own style outside the mess and then celebration with sourabh,who too had made the cut. I had planned several outrageous acts befitting the moment which I would do in case of such result, but the moment was too big for me to absorb and react.

What followed was a long session at DJC during which I was in my own world, lost in numerous thoughts and letting the stuff sink in, directors call in the evening to congratulate us, the freakish decision to execute another thing that I had planned for such occasion, seeing 50 odd missed calls & 20 odd msgs(many attempts by parents to contact me) on my cell when i returned to room in evening, receiving of calls, finally talking to parents (delayed due to dilemma of whether to tell on phone or do it personally somehow and in the end as manish had said they knew it from other sources.), other calls, a telephonic interview by some media person who had already reached my home, late night dance at manish's room...and waiting for the morning.

We,The Champions!!

(How often have I missed blogging out my thoughts on moments of emotional high ? Moments when there is so much to say in its pristine best,but which soon passes by into memory lanes. Tonite is different.)

TONITE WE HAVE BEEN CROWNED THE WORLD CHAMPIONS.
And in a nation where cricket is a religion,world champions matters in only that context.

Yes, its been a long wait. and for many young indians like me,who have grown up eating,sleeping and drinking cricket,its a first in lifetime occasion of watching our men lift the coveted trophy.

It is truly historic.

We have grown up watching the picture of Kapil Dev lifting the trophy in 1983 and few videos from lords that make us wonder about the nature of game in bygone era.It is not the way we have grown up seeing cricket in its marketable version!
Cup after cup,we hoped but ended up with disappointment.

Not this time around.

Loaded with expectations(as always),playing on home turf (advantage or pressure?)and a talented bunch of committed cricketers - the stakes were high again!!

This may be the age of overdose of cricket with number of tours and cups,the 20-20 world cup and the IPL,but at the end of the day,its the conventional one day formats world cup that counts.The game itself may be limited to 14 odd nations on the globe and we may have won the cup of the latest T20 avatar,but the world cup has its own charm and aura!.It is tough to describe the feeling of inching closer to victory and then clinching it with elan..probably it hasn't yet sunk in!!

Yes,I wanted the team to clinch it but would admit having my share of apprehensions.I was having my share of ideas that something might go wrong and spoil our party.The worth of the Srilankans in the subcontinental game can never be discounted too.But down deep in heart,like every other indian,I was hoping that we do it this time.



And like every one else,I wanted it for Sachin Tendulkar -- the person who has carried billions of expectations for decades every time he walks into the field,the person whose passion for the game has gifted him with consistency to script all record books,the person whose modesty and down to earth simplicity makes him an affable icon -- was playing in his sixth and last world cup. It is this trophy that had eluded him. Whether I wanted Indian team to win for him or for the nation is immaterial as he very much symbolises the Indian cricket itself.As a perfect script,I was expecting him to score his 100th international ton and win it for india at Wankhede. He fumbled (reminding us that he is a human being after all). My hopes sank (direct proportionality has been the trademark). But like a winning "team",others rose to the occasion to recreate history.Different members have performed at different occasions in the tournament,making it a truly team effort.

Dhoni and his "men in blue" are the champions of our generation,of a game(the format and style)we have grown up : watching,discussing endlessly,nibbling in the backyards,innovating upon - from foil made balls cricket with lunch boxes to cosco ball cricket on lanes,roads and basket ball courts,strategising moves,critcizing selections,being experts on every field-bowling change and loving every moment of it as a passion.

(watched it on giant screen in audi,loved the emotions at the end,those smiles esp. sachin's(a little biased me!)with the cup,called up bro.after win to share the excitement for the game has been a strong part of our growing up together memory...more on that soon!!)

Little drops...

The sphere of feelings and the sphere of actions often fail to coincide. At times this gap may become a burden, on other occasions we have reasons to rationalise due to demands of busy schedules.

I am glad i decided in favour of visiting the orphanage to share the joys of new year this year around. A drawback of an evolved thinking pattern is the ability to rationalise against any action which calls for minimum deviation from the least effort path. We tend to generate an equally convincing (and “ideal”) streak of thoughts to justify our action and mute out the voice of idealism.

I hate suffering. I hate poverty. I want to do something for the less fortunate souls.

This one-off visit will not change anything. I will only raise their expectations, setting a base for disappointments of tomorrow. Let me wait for an occasion to bring about a “real” change in their conditions.

Period

For sixty odd children in orphanage, the visit was not a surprise. With rising number of philanthropists in city, they expect some goodies on such occasions. Even the visits have varied means-end dimension which calls for an interesting study in social behaviour. Luckily, my hyperactive mind decided to take rest, and gave space to give purpose to my visit.

We talked. Smiled .

Clicked snaps. Cheese.

Queried. Smiled. Danced. Posed.Chuckled.

Ate cake.Yummy.

Goodies for all.

I felt good. The child in me was out there, enjoying every bit of it. They had smiles. They were having such kind of fun after ages, they admitted. They asked us to visit again. We promised.

We have given them a common identity. Orphans.

A common home. The orphanage.

But is the pain felt by them same? Different lives, different stories.
Do they all miss the presence of those nurturing hands all the times?
They went to school, enjoyed companionship, cracked jokes. Each with own tastes, own priorities, own desires, own ambitions. I sensed a kind of hostel life, that many of us experience at different stage of our lives.(Do I carry a sense of guilt for not feeling the kind of sympathy that my trained mind had prepared me to feel?).(These images we carry often generate conflict of emotions,when reality confronts them.)But we have a place called home to fall back, parents for unconditional support and guidance. On another note ,the awareness of this vacuum can embolden their self-reliance and make them emotionally stronger to face the challenges of life.

Is it only the psychological security or something else that they missed in their lives?Can we feel deprived of the emotions which we have never experienced in the first place? Or does one become resigned to this loss in a manner not feel the pain? Or is the pain reduced to only moments of loneliness? Was my interaction too brief and the reflections surfacial?

(If the beaches of goa marked the beginning of last year, the visit to an old age home and an orphanage on first day of the year, was a unique experience this time around. Hope it translates into something substantial in form of actions in times to come)

R.I.P. : The 2 Nation Theory

What is it that binds a nation together....can religion be a basis to build a nation?

A singular glance at the state of two nations, born on the 15^th of August,1947 vindicates our approach to nation building.

As I witness our neighbor battling with violence and anarchy,I think about the the bloodbath witnessed at the dawn of independence. The insistence on having a separate nation on 'religion' as the binding thread,drove the destinies of millions.

Where has religion led to the fate of that nation?

Religion may strengthen the efforts of nation building , but it is not the solution to bank on,for attaining a harmonious social order.

We, not only believed in unity in diversity, but also cherished it in ideology and practice. Agreed, there have been blemishes in the form of communal riots spoiling the sanctity of our fabric but such sporadic guided events are a far cry from the anarchy faced in the vacuum of development in a theocratic state.

Nation building is all about an inclusive people-centric development, where governance plays a key role. And when the courtyards of governance are guided by the selfish motives of men-in-power,it can overlook the contours of religion.The self-professed messengers of Almighty,then create factions with their own convenient interpretations of the "will of the lord".

The mayhem spills blood,not of man who bowed religiously before his God or read the scriptures as dictated but of a father,a husband,a son,and a breadwinner for struggling family.A family ,which will eternally question the strength of religion to protect them.

The victims may lie on the other side of the fence we created and we may dismiss the entire violence as "theirs",but can we disown the brutal butchery of humanity,organized against the pious backdrop of religion.The ethos of faith,strength and peace,which emanate from religions,have given way to distorted interpretations and grossly insensitive use of "religion" as a tool for manoeuvrings.

The 2 nation theory faced a major blow when the political fissures translated into a ground reality with the creation of Bangladesh. Can religion ever fulfill the needs of starving millions, fighting disease, ignorance and corruption? Factions, with varying shades of “hard line” ideology, emerged on the landscape of same religion and wage battles for “their respective rights”.

The innocents perish when "the messiahs of masses" draw out a wrong priority order for people to follow...

For those struggling to get food,clothing and shelter,the need to prioritize amongst religion,region and nation is an arena of irrelevance...

The state remains a lame, helpless spectator .... searching for its own identity

The foundational theory creaked,collapsed,cremated

Smile please !

Beep, beep, beep…

A swing of my hand,

The alarm clock falls, its machinery pops.

A rumpled shirt, blazer becomes a must.

No water to brush, bath or flush.

A roasted toast, a burnt omelette,

Need to buy today, a better fate.

I switch on the radio-

A RJ pleads, “Good morning Delhi ! Smile Please!”.

I’m already late, should make a call,

My N-phone is there, NO balance at all.

Procession on road, the traffic packs,

Next parking is full, then swipe card cracks.

The lift out of order,

(And boss out of mind!),

Clients’ notices, Deadlines-churn and grind.

My cranky colleague, a double faced horse,

Makes graves of my chances,

When boot-licks the boss.

In midst of this skewed life,

The newspaper ad reminds-

“Sparkle at ease, Smile Please!”.

A small curve on your face,

Puts lot of things straight.

This cliché about smile,

I refuse to buy.

The mask of smile, we often adorn,

Not springing from your heart,

No purpose will it solve.

When sealed with content,

Honesty it reflects.

Connects and resolves.

Rendezvous with Indian village

Sweeter was the cup of tea,
Simplicity and love, without any fee.
Greener looked the stretch of green,
Their heartbeats - their paddy fields.

Time fails to sail,
Goes at pace of a snail.
Struggle breathes beneath the calm,
Fate delivers the acceptance balm.

Their eyes have hope,
A prayer on lips, a story to be told.
Betrayed by power, time and again,
Warmth of emotions, conditions stay cold.

Peace at surface, frustrations to deal,
Anxiety persists over next day’s meal.
Romantic portrayal through poets’ eyes,
Beauty in books, a painters’ delight.

But reality bites,
Pain survives,
Drowning voices,
About to resign…